How I got through that first day I will never
know. It was a blur of feelings of
helplessness, heartbreak, depression, and
the longing for all of this to be just a dream
and I would wake up and all would
be right again in my world.
For two days now, Joe has been gone. I
busy myself with all the tasks of keeping the
home clean and canning food from the
garden in preparation for the winter. The
nights are lonely. The bed feels so empty. I
cry myself to sleep each night while hugging
Joe's pillow for comfort. ShyAnne is ever
watchful and always there to lend me her
support.
Waking up this morning, I saw a rainbow
over the lake. It was beautiful rising out of
the mist. All was silent except for the call of
the loons. I sat on the porch and just felt
totally at one with nature. I take the
rainbow as a sign that soon all is as it should
be in my world.
I call to ShyAnne and she comes to me. I
tell her we are going on a walk or an
adventure as Joe called it. She is happy
once more to be doing something routine
and to see me with a spark of life. I walk
deep in the woods just enjoying the peace
and the animals that
dwell within. Shyanne is running playfully
around playing Wolfdog pretend games. It
is such a good feeling to be here and to be
able to think clearly. I know what I must do
and now have the courage
to go on and do it.
As ShyAnne and I come to the clearing
where I can see the cabin and the lake, I see
Joe's truck parked outside. I am overjoyed
to see that he has come home. I have no
doubt in my mind that plastic Debbie lost her
hold over him and he realized that it was me
he loved
and needed. He had come home!
Practically running to get to the cabin, I am
smiling for the first time in days and my
heart is racing in anticipation. Opening the
door I see Joe in the bedroom. I call out
"hi" and he turns toward me and
as he does, I see that he is packing boxes of
his things to take from the cabin. My body
grows cold and numb and once again I can
feel my heart breaking into a million
pieces.
Joe is friendly and concerned about how I
am doing out here by myself. He pats
ShyAnne and tells her how much he misses
HER. I ask him how he is doing and he said
that he is doing fine and happier than he has
ever been in his life. That statement is life a
knife tearing my heart out. He then tells me
to call him anytime, that we will always be
friends. He thanks me for the time we had
together and tells me he will be return in a
few days to pick up the rest of his things.
He told me that he knew he could trust me
to care for his prized possessions until he
had his own place to take them to. I assured
him I would take excellent care of his
things.
He gave one last pat to ShyAnne and a "see
you later" to me and got in his truck and
drove off leaving me to mourn him one more
time.
Sitting down at the desk, I turn the
computer on and write a very long email to
the loved ones I left behind. It makes me
feel better to write all my feelings down and
let them know about what Joe did to break
my heart. Also it is nice to let them all know
how much I love them. The computer is a
wonderful tool for that as they are aware of
my love and my situtation in a matter of
seconds.
With that done, I make the final
preparations to carry out my plan. I will just
wait for the right moment to do it.
